Millions pretend to have gone on climate march

RECORD numbers of Britons are passionately pretending to have marched against climate change.

43-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “I’m not the sort of person to be put off by bad weather or a nagging hangover, which is why I definitely took to the streets and followed the route from the place where it started to the place where it ended.

“It’s hard to highlight any best bits, it was all really good. Probably the atmosphere, that was pretty great.”

Organisers estimate that as many as five million people have made up some vague bullshit march anecdotes.

Office worker Stephen Malley said: “The really important thing is that we all back each other up.

“I’ve been on a march before so I’m just telling everyone that there were lots of samba drummers, a giant puppet of Osborne with devil horns and gangs of stern-faced pensioners aggressively handing out leaflets promoting their own, largely unrelated causes.

“Also it’s good to say ‘I don’t consider myself an activist but it’s just something I’m really passionate about’.”

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Man best at punching

A 27-YEAR-OLD man has won the World Punching Competition.

Tyson Fury was crowned champion after judges added up the number of times he and his opponent had punched each other.

A spokesman for the World Punching Organisation said: “This was an absolutely classic night of punching. The best bits were whenever one of them punched the other one in the face.

“It was an absolute treat for punching fans.”

Fury said: “My strategy was to keep punching him until he fell over, and whenever the bell went off to stop punching him for a bit and sit down.

“I felt like my opponent was thinking along very similar lines, which made it all the more exciting.”

Punching fan Norman Steele said: “In the final analysis, the punching was quite good. I’d like to have seen Klitschko do more punching.

“The more punching, the better. I don’t mind who’s punching who, as long as someone’s getting punched.”

However Fury’s opponent Wladimir Klitschko said: “We should get together again and punch each other again, but harder. That would be good.”