THE government has rejected claims that Britain mistreats the thousands of whining, dishonest foreigners who wash up on our shores every year like so much rubbish.
The asylum system has come under attack from a senior judge who is no doubt having an affair with one of these grasping ne'er-do-wells.
Sir John Waite's report said the UK had abused the hordes of unwashed thieves by not giving them fluffy pillows, a mug of hot chocolate and a bedtime story before sending them back to whatever hell-hole they climbed out of.
But Jacqui Smith, the home secretary, said: "So what if they get a clip round the ear and a cold Pot Noodle?
"They're dirty foreign types who just want to steal our hospital beds and move into my garden."
The report also accused the immigration service of refusing to serve afternoon tea in detention centres and failing to compliment these la-di-da refugees on their choice of rags.
The home secretary added: ""What's wrong with their own countries? I've been to Somalia. The scenery is beautiful and Mogadishu simply oozes rustic charm.
"And anyway, I thought you wanted us to treat them like shit?"