Modern couples having less sex, says person who makes these things up

THE man whose job it is to make up sex statistics has decided that modern couples are having less sex.

Chief sex statistician Roy Hobbs inhabits a litter-strewn desk in a dingy corner of the basement of the Institute for Studies, where he drinks Yazoo milkshakes and plays online patience until he gets a call from a newspaper.

He said: “People aren’t having sex any more because of all the other things you can do these days, like quad-biking, podcasting and watching Australian Rules Football.

“That seems feasible, doesn’t it? If we add in ‘bloody Millennials and worse, Generation Z? 

“My work gives news publications an excuse to print a pre-existing sexy picture of two models on a bed in what is clearly the corner of a photographic studio. 

“The man is usually wearing satin boxers and has floppy, sexy hair. Or they’re both women. Gets clicks either way. 

“The data comes primarily from my imagination, via a rigorous process of making things up. Sometimes I use a spinner with a different sex trend in each sector. Trends like buggery.” 

Teacher Nikki Hollis said: “When I read articles about things like this, it gives me the anxious feeling I should be doing something with the information. I don’t know what.

“Definitely any fornication trend is a worrying trend. Therefore I am worried. I’ll buy a sofa. That’ll sort it out.”

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Brit Awards 'clinically unwatchable', say experts

TONIGHT’S Brit awards will be ‘clinically unwatchable’, according to the Royal College of Physicians.

The group has warned that anyone attempting to watch the two-and-a-half hour Saturday night ITV extravaganza, which should be warning enough in itself, is expected to suffer cranial trauma, gastro-intestinal collapse or blindness. 

Dr Eleanor Shaw said: “It’s physically impossible to watch something with this degree of Roman Kemp. Your brain will shut down as a protection measure if you even try.

“But add that to the performers, which include something known as a ‘Tate McRae’, tables full of record company executives who rip their artists off then demand they dance for them, and of course the Brit School kids down the f**king front. 

“It adds up to a spectacle so repellent, just attempting to watch it will make your face attempt to turn itself inside out so your eyes are looking at their own brain.

“Dua Lipa and Kylie may attempt to duet, in which case we expect your ears will collapse in on themselves as if being crumpled in the palm of an invisible hand. And you’ll be relieved.” 

Shaw added: “Even having your television on is a risk, because other channels have athletics and the Bahrain Grand Prix, so you may well switch over. We advise you saw your television in half at least six hours before the broadcast starts, encase it in concrete and then throw it in a canal.”