Modern couples having less sex, says person who makes these things up

THE man whose job it is to make up sex statistics has decided that modern couples are having less sex.

Chief sex statistician Roy Hobbs inhabits a litter-strewn desk in a dingy corner of the basement of the Institute for Studies, where he drinks a lot of Yazoo milkshakes and plays online patience until he gets a call from a newspaper.

He said: “People aren’t having sex any more because they’re too tired from all the other things you can do these days, like quad biking, reading and Australian Rules Football.

“That seems feasible, doesn’t it? I should know, I have a button badge saying ‘expert’ that my niece got me for Christmas.”

He added: “My work is important in giving news publications an excuse to print a pre-existing sexy picture of two models on a bed in what is clearly the corner of a photographic studio. The man is usually wearing satin boxers and has floppy, sexy hair. I’m pretty much the sociological equivalent of Deirdre’s Photo Casebook.

“The data comes primarily from my imagination via a rigorous process of making things up. Sometimes I use a dartboard with a different sex trend in each sector. What’s really important is that whatever I say has the word sex in it.”

Teacher Nikki Hollis said: “When I read articles about things like this, it gives me an anxious feeling like I should somehow be doing something with the information. I don’t know quite what.

“Definitely any fornication trend is a worrying trend. Therefore I am worried.

“I’ll buy a sofa. That’ll sort it out.”

 

 

Brit Awards 'clinically unwatchable', say experts

NEXT month’s Brit awards will be ‘clinically unwatchable’, according to the Royal College of Physicians.

The RCP  had feared an epidemic of severe head injuries and gastro intestinal expulsions, but now say the emergency services can relax as the ceremony will be so bad that no-one will be able to get beyond the first three seconds.

A spokesman said: “It’s physically impossible to watch something with this degree of Fearne Cotton. Your brain would shut down temporarily as a protection measure if you even tried.

“But it’s when you add the all-night presence of James Corden you realise just how little you know about the human body.

“We think that if someone was to even try to watch this man presenting an entire awards ceremony, their face would attempt to turn itself inside out so that their eyes were looking at their own brain.

“And if James Corden then introduces either N-Bubz or Mumford & Sons we think the ears will collapse in on themselves as if they are being crumpled up in the palm of an invisible hand.”

But the RCP said there was even a danger from simply having your television switched on as dreadfulness from the ceremony could leak into other channels causing involuntary absorption by people who were just watching a documentary about crocodiles and wouldn’t know James Corden if he drove past them in his pathetic, ill-gotten sports car.

The spokesman added: “We’re advising people to saw their television in half at least six hours before the broadcast starts, encase it in concrete and then throw it in a canal.”