THE man whose job it is to make up sex statistics has decided that modern couples are having less sex.
Chief sex statistician Roy Hobbs inhabits a litter-strewn desk in a dingy corner of the basement of the Institute for Studies, where he drinks a lot of Yazoo milkshakes and plays online patience until he gets a call from a newspaper.
He said: “People aren’t having sex any more because they’re too tired from all the other things you can do these days, like quad biking, reading and Australian Rules Football.
“That seems feasible, doesn’t it? I should know, I have a button badge saying ‘expert’ that my niece got me for Christmas.”
He added: “My work is important in giving news publications an excuse to print a pre-existing sexy picture of two models on a bed in what is clearly the corner of a photographic studio. The man is usually wearing satin boxers and has floppy, sexy hair. I’m pretty much the sociological equivalent of Deirdre’s Photo Casebook.
“The data comes primarily from my imagination via a rigorous process of making things up. Sometimes I use a dartboard with a different sex trend in each sector. What’s really important is that whatever I say has the word sex in it.”
Teacher Nikki Hollis said: “When I read articles about things like this, it gives me an anxious feeling like I should somehow be doing something with the information. I don’t know quite what.
“Definitely any fornication trend is a worrying trend. Therefore I am worried.
“I’ll buy a sofa. That’ll sort it out.”