MAX Mosley will have no idea when his bare bottom is about to be pummelled by a large, angry woman, pretending to be German.
The former motor racing boss had appealed to the European Court of Human Rights to give his weathered hindquarters the right to a statutory advanced warning so that he could clench or unclench depending on his mood.
But the Strasbourg court said the British judicial system already allowed Mosley to seek redress if Frauline Shickelgruber came at him when he was not ready.
The ruling stated: “If an individual becomes aware that a beefy dominatrix is standing behind them with a wooden paddle covered in little metal studs and screaming ‘raus! raus! raus!’ they can either seek a temporary injunction or ask her to start on the count of three.
“And if those measures prove unsuccessful they would still be able to seek damages for unexpected bottom pain, especially if they hire one of those grubby ambulance chasers who do so much to fund quality daytime television.”
The decision is a rare, non-buttock related blow to Mosley who had hoped a victory would lead to the creation of a new law to protect arses.
He added: “If I know when it’s coming then it gives me time to compose myself and think up what I would say if I later discovered that someone had been videoing the whole thing.
“The last time I was lucky to be able to come up with the entirely convincing excuse that the women were posing as perfectly normal prisoners who wear the sort of black and white striped pyjamas popular in British jails and that German was the chosen language that day after being picked from a tombola.”