Most people now not really middle class

MOST people in the UK are members of the ‘not-really-middle-class’ class, research has revealed.

The Institute for Studies found that the burgeoning new class consisted mainly of deluded working-class people and less affluent privately-educated people.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “”Everyone thinks they’’re middle class if they’’ve got a house of some description and their job doesn’’t involve carrying buckets of pig intestines around.

““This has led to the rise of what we call the ‘not-really-middle-class’, who are people like car showroom salesmen or HR ‘executives’ who go to work in a suit but still read a tabloid and don’’t like books unless it’’s something to do while you’’re getting a tan.

“”Alternatively, they might be people who seem convincingly middle class but don’t have any income. This is because they’ve made some incredibly stupid career decision like opening an organic food shop or setting up a film production company making Welsh language romantic comedies.

“”Whatever the case, they’’re not proper middle-class people like doctors or barristers. They’re all much more desperate than that.””

Plant hire manager Tom Logan said: “”I’’m definitely middle class because I’’ve got a large garden.

““It’’s very much my private sanctuary where I can just sit and think and watch Sky Sports by putting my enormous flatscreen telly in the window.””

Glasgow to be destroyed at games closing ceremony

THE closing ceremony of the Commonwealth Games will climax with the controlled demolition of Glasgow.

Glasgow was founded in the sixth Century, but quickly gained a bad reputation.

A games spokesman said: “The place will be spectacularly razed to the ground with a million kilos of TNT. Then the wreckage will be burned with fire and salt sown on the ashes.

“The idea is that the city can then rise from the ashes like a phoenix. But probably the new version will be called something other than Glasgow.”

Glasgow teacher Nikki Hollis said: “I grew up here, and while I accept that it needs to be demolished, I don’t think blowing it up on TV is the right way to go about it.

“It would be more respectful to detach it from the mainland under cover of darkness and send it out into the ocean to drift forevermore.”