Mothers demand creation of 150,000 princess jobs

PARENTS fear that thousands of princesses-in-training will struggle to find livelihoods.

18 per cent of girls under seven have chosen princess as their career, but complain that nepotism in the business means they may never achieve their dream.

Mother-of-two Susan Traherne said: “There are no recognised qualifications, no entry-level positions, nothing.

“My daughter is prepared to work her way up from minor royalty to Disney heroine, but even duchess jobs get handed straight to the children of the incumbents.

“This could be a major export business for the UK. Nobody’s more royal than us.”

Salesman Tom Booker agreed:  “My daughter’s 25 and still driving round in a hot pink Mini powered by fairy dust – which doesn’t come cheap – looking for the right opportunity.

“But as things go it’s Prince Harry or bust.”

A spokesman for the royal family said that birth qualifications had recently been dropped and their most recent hire had only a private income and a middling degree.

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Rail companies activate weather machine

PRIVATISED rail companies are using a weather machine to justify their piss-poor service, it has emerged.

Sometimes the Weathertron gets turned up too high

The Weathertron machine can provide a range of conditions, including rain, snow and sleet, whenever a convenient excuse is needed.

A rail company source said: “Trains can be delayed for all sorts of reasons, such as the cost of making them go to places eating into our profits.

“If a train is late – perhaps because we’ve not serviced it since 1995 and all the windows have fallen out – we just wheel out the Weathertron and fire off some bad weather to that part of the country.

“The Weathertron is a big brass gun-looking thing like in that Kate Bush video with Donald Sutherland. If we didn’t use it the weather would be nice all year round.

“Of course storms in the UK aren’t extreme enough to affect a massive great train, but Britons are obsessed with the weather and think it can do anything.”

The source added that to avoid wearing out the weather excuse, other methods were sometimes used, such as dropping leaves onto the line from a helicopter or wheeling some plastic cows in front of a train.