Motorists to wear stupid racing clothes like cyclists

CAR drivers are to dress in helmets and flameproof overalls in a move inspired by the high-tech racing attire of cyclists.

Commuters and casual Sunday drivers must dress like Formula One professionals, under new guidelines designed to promote road harmony.

A government spokesman said: “It’s easy for a driver to look at a cyclist in a shell-hood, ghost socks and flank liner and dismiss them as an utter tool, which encourages hostility on the road.

“We want to level the playing field by making drivers wear a shiny helmet with zig-zags on it, and special gloves made of space shuttle material.

“If the cyclists are dressed like Bradley Wiggins, the motorists should be dressed like Lewis Hamilton or another racing driver if they are able to name one. Then everyone looks pretentious.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “It’s amazing how a jazzy helmet changes your attitude. When I do the school run now I jerk my head around as if experiencing extreme g-force.

“Also I just drive into garages at tremendous speed and wait until the men run out with fuel pipes and tools. Except that never happens, so I have a massive benny and storm off, throwing my helmet on the ground.”

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Man plays it cool by launching Facebook search for girl he met briefly at festival

A MAN who met an attractive girl at Bestival has taken the casual approach by launching a massive online search for her details.

Julian Cook spoke to the girl for around five minutes before taking a selfie of them together which he posted online with emoticons and the message ‘GOT 2 FIND U’.

He said: “It’s no big deal. If she’s got a boyfriend that’s fine.

“But if she is single, then maybe we could go out for dinner or maybe go away for the weekend, perhaps to Paris or a tropical country to stay in a beach hut on stilts.

“I’ve got a car to so I could drive to wherever it is she lives, even if it’s the other end of the country or Ireland. Then we could maybe grab a quick pint, nothing heavy.

“Her name was Emma. Or maybe it’s Gemma. But I think it was Emma.

“If anyone, anywhere knows her I’d really like to continue our chat about how good raving is.

“And if no one can help, I guess I’ll just have to trust the universe and hope that she’s there next year. 

“I don’t mind waiting. I’m a very laid-back guy.”