Mum enjoys holiday in supermarket car park

A MUM who ‘popped out for milk’ is secretly enjoying a half-hour weekend mini-break in her car outside Tesco.  

Mother-of-three Mary Fisher told her family she would be ‘back in a minute’ before leaving the house in her Ford Fiesta.

She is now half way though her 30 minute vacation, staring out of the car window while eating the first of two raisin and biscuit Yorkies.

Fisher said: “The kids had been kicking off, the freezer was leaking a pale brown liquid and a new stain had appeared on the living room carpet.

“I just thought, ‘fuck this shit’.”

She added: “So I’m just going to sit here watching people putting grocery items into cars while I make a filthy mess of myself with this pair of chocolate-covered bastards.

“That’s how I roll.”

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Men will never know joy of taking off bra at the end of a long day

MEN will never know the transcendent joy of removing a bra at the end of a very long day, woman have confirmed.

A survey found the end-of-day bra removal ritual offers more relief than squeezing a spot, finishing a telephone conversation with a parent and closing the door in a nightclub toilet cubicle combined.

Dr Helen Archer said: “For once, I almost feel sorry for them.

“Our tests showed the nearest equivalent for men is ‘putting their feet up’, which is frankly pathetic compared to the soaring bliss experienced by women finally freeing their bazoomas. That’s the scientific term.

“The relief directly correlates with how late it is, how shitty a day it’s been and other factors, such as length of commute and underwire pokiness.

“We’ve collated and tabulated the most rewarding methods including arm-by-arm, a gentle slide down the torso and straight-up whipping it off, although the latter is not recommended for more buxom women.

“We also found that male partners’ offers to help remove the bra under end-of-a-long-day conditions had a success rate of approximately one per cent. And that’s with a one per cent error margin.”