Mum sets new record for losing her shit on school run

A MOTHER has set a new British record for totally losing her shit on the morning school run.

Mary Fisher, from Staffordshire, blew up at her sons, aged five and eight, 75 separate times in the 60 minutes it took to get them up, get their breakfast, dressed, in the car and finally at the school gates. A rate of 1.25 times per minute.

She said: “I was in the zone. No sooner had I finished bollocking Adam for spilling Shreddies all over the rug than I was dragging Damian to the sink for colouring his hand purple with felts.

“I must have made at least 20 empty threats while they got their uniforms on, and when they tried to put on each others’ coats as a joke I cranked it up to a new level of rage.”

Fisher added: “I’d like to thank the traffic, Channel 5’s Milkshake, and whatever twat at that school decided they had to bring their PE kits, library books and a paper-mache model of a meerkat on the same fucking day.”

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Couple in first Corbyn-based divorce

A COUPLE is to become the first in Britain to divorce because of Jeremy Corbyn.

Tom and Helen Logan have split with Mrs Logan claiming her husband has spent the last six months shoehorning how great Corbyn is into every conversation.

Mrs Logan’s solicitor, Nikki Hollis, said: “He marked their 32nd wedding anniversary with a Moonpig card that read ‘Happy as-many-years-as-Corbyn-has-been-an-MP anniversary’.

“My client doesn’t expect hearts and flowers, but an anniversary card with a photo of a 66-year-old hippy is just deeply unpleasant.”

According to Mrs Logan her husband also started saying ‘Jez’ instead of ‘yes’. A typical comment would be, ‘Jez it is cold out today, but not as cold as Labour’s prospects without Corbyn’.

Hollis added: “We’re going to take him for everything he’s got. It’ll be as if he’s a millionaire and we’re Jeremy Corbyn.”