Mums demand to know exactly what time you’re arriving on Christmas Day

MOTHERS have demanded to know what time you are coming around on Christmas Day, to the nearest four minutes.

Mums across the country are urgently pleading for clarity, transparency and accuracy about your arrival time in just over a fortnight.

The agreed time must then be upheld at all costs, even if there is a massive natural disaster.

Mother Susan Traherne said: “You may not think it’s important, and no doubt you’re all rolling your eyes at this, but we do actually need to know because this shit has to be locked down tight.

“It’s just a matter of showing a little respect. If you’re not sure, there’s a ‘sprouts window’ between 11.47 and 11.51 that would be acceptable.

“Later there’ll probably be a Christmas special of Call The Midwife that we could all resent having to watch together.”

She added: “If you’re staying on Christmas Eve don’t get drunk with your mates and puke out of the bedroom window like you always do.”

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Amazon to just put things in your house then force you to pay for them

AMAZON has confirmed plans to put random items in your house that you then have to pay for.

Amazon NoChoice is a new service where non-chosen, non-returnable items arrive overnight, with charges automatically debited from your bank account.

An Amazon spokesman said: “We get into your house in the night – we already have a key – and put things in it.

“You wake up and wonder if they were there yesterday, shrug your shoulders and decide you are past caring, we take the money.

“In case you were wondering, you are already signed up for this. Where did you think that weird lamp came from?”

Householder Mary Fisher said: “This morning I woke up to find a rugby ball, a footballer’s autobiography and 50 bottles of industrial moth spray in my living room.

“If Amazon thinks I want these things, then I suppose I must accept that I do.”

The spokesman added: “If you refuse to pay we’ll imprison you in our Dunfermline ‘fulfilment centre’.

“You think it’s just a massive warehouse. That’s not what it is at all.”