Music playing from somewhere on computer

A MAN has been unable to locate the source of music playing on his computer.

39-year-old Apple Mac user Stephen Malley thought the Coldplay-esque song was originating from a website’s annoying auto-play advert.

He said: “I was doing a bit of work and had a few browsers open. I thought it’s probably one of those infuriating hair-trigger adverts they put in the middle of news stories like digital land mines.

“After a bit of fiddling about, I closed all the browsers but could still hear the irritating song. It’s one of those stadium-indie songs that goes quiet bit, loud bit, quiet bit.”

Malley checked his iTunes to find it was not the source of the problem.

“By this point I just wanted it to stop. Maybe it was a virus from looking at pornography.

“I turned the main volume down on the computer but I made no difference. Then I turned the computer off.

“Again, that made no difference. Somehow the music is still playing.

“Finally I took up some floorboards and stuck the computer beneath them. But I can still hear it, faintly like ‘tap-tap-tip-tap’.

“Tap-tap-tip-tap. Tap-tap-tip-tap. Even in my dreams. Hahahahaha.”

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Tax pledge part of Cameron's plan to get sent to prison

DAVID Cameron is to make tax rises illegal so he can get sent to prison and make contacts in the underworld. 

The prime minister has planned an elaborate bullion heist that requires him to meet up with a few faces on the inside, and came up with the pledge to get himself sent down. 

A source said: “He’s had this blag on the boil since the Bullingdon days, but it had one fatal flaw – because he’s posh, he could leave his fingerprints all over a murder weapon and the beak’d still give him a suspended sentence. 

“This way he brings in the law, doubles income tax, gets slammed in chokey and puts his crew together while providing himself with a rock-solid alibi. 

“Once everything’s in place – the home secretary’s day-release programme, the Boris bikes to escape down the Crossrail tunnel, the non-dom donor’s private jet – Britain’s £150 billion lighter.”

Crime bosses believe the plan has only two weak links: ‘that mouthy tart”‘ Samantha Cameron and a man known only as the Professor, who promised to arrange the Conservatives’ re-election. 

The source added: “Nobody’s ever seen the Professor, only heard his weird voice, but he swears he can make sure the Tories come out on top in return for 20 per cent. 

“Apparently he knifed his own brother in the back to get in on this, so we know he’s a ruthless bastard.”