Nan rates films based on scenery

81-YEAR-OLD Mary Fisher’s opinion of a film is based entirely on whether it features pleasant scenery.

Grandmother Fisher said her favourite film was Australia with Hugh Jackman, although she has no awareness of any story details.

She said: “There’s kangaroos and mountains. And I’ve always been interested in going on holiday to Australia, although it does look very hot.

“I didn’t really like the talking bits but it’s good where you can see nice views of the landscape from the sky.”

Fisher’s other favourite films are one with India in the title and ‘Doctor Thingy’ with Omar Sharif.

“I used to like Heartbeat when that was on the telly, it always had fields in it.

“But I don’t want you to think I just like nice scenery. I enjoy interesting scenery too, like big clouds and stormy seas.”

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Sex actually quite strange

SEXUAL intercourse is probably the weirdest thing you will ever do, according to experts.

Researchers into human sexual behaviour have concluded that intercourse is almost too odd to contemplate.

Dr Tom Logan said: “Picture yourself naked and grunting, on top of another person who is making a funny face.

“The stuff you’re saying to each other isn’t even proper sentences, often it’s just swearing.

“The idea is that it is the ultimate expression of love, yet it’s the repetitive interaction of organs used for going to the toilet.

“It’s like something a drug-addicted surrealist painter would come up with.

“Surely a better way to show someone you really like them would be getting them membership to the RSPB or buying them a watch.”

23-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “When you think about what sex actually involves, it’s all very frightening and undignified.

“Luckily I read women’s magazines, so I am ashamed of my naked body, while my boyfriend is addicted to internet porn, so it’s not really a problem.”