Nation united in telling January to f*ck right off 

BRITAIN has agreed that January can f*ck right off. 

The Institute for Studies found that Leave or Remain, Tory or Labour, sane or rational human beings, everyone have arrived at a consensus that the first month of the year can do one.

Professor Henry Brubaker said, “January is like turning 31. F*ck all to celebrate and just the beginning of another long hard slog.

“If we could just skip to February that would be great but then February would be just as cold and pointless as January so what we really need is some kind of weather/time machine.”

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage added: “I love January. But I also like Coldplay and Michael Bay films so you should ignore me completely.”

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Listening to audiobooks 'does not count as reading'

LISTENING to audiobooks does not count as reading, the publishing industry has confirmed. 

Writers, publishers and academics have joined forces to condemn anyone who claims to be a ‘big reader’ while having stories told to them.

Denys Finch Hatton of Penguin Books said: “That’s not reading. F**k off.

“While we should in theory be delighted by people consuming stories in any fashion, listening is so obviously not the same thing as reading. I can’t believe I have to even explain that.

“Have you watched The Irishman because you read its Wikipedia entry? Have you eaten a meal by photographing it? No. How is this different?

“Audiobooks are easy. Reading is hard and not fun. Just because the content is identical doesn’t mean the two are in any way similar.

“So next time Ken from work talks about all the books he’s read, tell him listening to Lee Child while he drives to Leicester doesn’t count and that he should be f**king ashamed.”