National mood abruptly switches from spooky fun to sad about war

BRITAIN has made the whiplash-inducing U-turn from dressing up as a zombie to respectfully mourning those who died for its freedom.

The abrupt annual gear change sees the country tearing down skeletons, gory displays of slaughter and unquiet ghosts in favour of appropriate November activities like honouring the sacrifice of our forebears.

Steve Malley of Birkenhead said: “Last night? All about lurching around as the undead, a celebration of Satan and all his sulphurous minions while doing Demon’s Blood shots at the bar.

“Today? Put down the fangs, clumsily pin a poppy to your chest, lower your head, and pay your respects to those who fell. It’s a bit abrupt.

“Next weekend’s a brief time-out where we set off bombs and cheer a terrorist who tried to blow up the seat of government, which makes a nice break, then it’s straight back to solemnity.

“What did I dress as last night? Vampire Churchill.”

Girlfriend Lucy Parry said: “I’ll enjoy this limbo of tanks and guns while I can. When that two-minutes silence finishes, it’s officially the most harrowing time of year: Christmas.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Movie prisons ranked by ease of escape from piss-easy to nails

FOR every cinematic prison that remains shut, usually caging scantily-clad women, there’s a jail with an open-door policy. Here’s how they rank: 

Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane, all Batman films

The ball pit at soft play is harder to get out of than Arkham. Inmates spend 20 minutes incarcerated, in full costume, with all equipment kept in a lock-up down the corridor behind a slumbering guard. Then they leave and sign up on the roster of who’s fighting Batman next.

Istanbul Prison, Midnight Express, 1978

Brad Davis spent years suffering in prison after being banged up for drug smuggling. He finally escapes by unlocking a prison door and walking out. Much like the way you broke out of your house this morning by unlocking the door and walking out.

HMP Slade, Porridge, 1979

If you ever get locked up, pray it’s in HMP Slade, with no anal sex in the showers or shanking with a sharpened toothbrush handle. In the movie Ronnie Barker escapes against his will which didn’t happen to the Guildford Four.

Azkaban, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, 2004

The one where Harry, Hermione and the ginger one use the doobrie to do the thingy with the whatsit to reveal the plot point and Gary Oldman breaks out. Everyone thinks Gary’s a baddie but, spoiler alert, he’s a goodie. Like everyone thought Severus Snape was a baddie but, spoiler alert, he’s a goodie.

Shawshank State Penitentiary, The Shawshank Redemption, 1994

All you need to get out of Shawshank is a teeny, tiny hammer, a series of posters and about 20 years. And spending months showering too often after swimming through raw sewage. Bathers at UK coastal resorts sympathise with Andy Dufresne.

Stalag Luft III, The Great Escape, 1963

Extremely difficult to escape from, requiring pommel horses, trousers filled with soil and hundreds of fake documents and items of civilian clothing. The theme tune is still whistled subconsciously by every office worker who dreams of tunnelling from under their desk to the street outside but knows their prison of wages and rent is inescapable.