Nationalism silly when other countries do it

THINKING your country is inherently better than all the rest is hilarious when that country is not the UK, it has emerged.

While political parties take the idea of Britain as a uniquely perfect sovereign nation very seriously, their foreign counterparts are just being ridiculous when they do the same.

Right-winger Roy Hobbs said: “We all know we live in the best country in the world, and it’s under threat from immigrants and blue-haired wokeists who want to drag us into a Medieval Islamic state where everyone’s trans. That makes perfect sense.

“But recently I met a French guy and he was going on about the same stuff – how foreigners are ruining their ‘wonderful nation’. I couldn’t help but laugh because France is shit. I went there there once and there were grumpy, smelly French bastards everywhere. Who’d feel pride about that?”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Studies have shown that being proud of a country simply because you happened to be born there is really f**king stupid, unless it’s your country, of course.

“As an experiment, we showed British volunteers photos of people wearing their country’s flag. Most found them utterly ludicrous until we got to that photo of the guy in an England shirt with a flare up his arse. Then a few people actually cried due to a feeling of sheer, unbridled patriotism.”

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Woman who loses three fingers in accident just glad she has something to tell her hairdresser

A WOMAN who has suffered a life-changing injury is consoled that her upcoming visit to the hairdresser will have fewer awkward silences. 

Helen Archer lost a pint-and-a-half of blood and three fingers in an accident with an industrial kitchen slicer, but has found a silver lining in the gripping narrative it will make while she has her roots done.

She said: “You can’t imagine how painful it is. I’m in there for four hours sometimes, and Sophie has absolutely no conversation. The silences are agonising.

“At my last appointment, I tried a tale about how my cousin’s girlfriend got scammed, but I was too too removed to be on top of the details and the story unravelled before she’d even done the second rinse. But this solves everything. The timing couldn’t be better!

“I’ll be able to get through the hairwashing, the first trim and the foils with a graphic account of the accident itself, the rush to casualty, and the scars on the two fingers they did manage to reattach should take me right to the finish.

“And all it took was mildly traumatic bloodletting, a two day hospital stay and the loss of some mobility and nerve function. I should take up an extreme sport so this can happen more often.”

Hairdresser Sophie Rodriguez said: “You hear all sorts in this job. A woman told me she’d murdered her first husband, or something? I don’t know, I don’t really listen.”