Nation’s euphoria gone by midday

BRITAIN’S feeling of upbeat confidence will have been completely obliterated by lunchtime, it has been claimed.

Perhaps someone will bring a cake in

Following a weekend of sporting triumphs, by Sunday evening the UK had reached levels of optimism unseen since 1587 when Sir Francis Drake returned from Cadiz with the king of Spain in a headlock.

But a combination of commuting and re-acquaintance with work colleagues means that by the time the country consumes its sad vacuum-packed sandwiches at its collective desks, the Olympics will once more be that thing in London that cost too much.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “An hour on a crowded train watching somebody sweat all over your suit while they read sub-literate porn on an overpriced Etch-A-Sketch will trigger a sharp emotional comedown.

“Anyone arriving at work still elated will be demoralised by the inevitable colleague relating everything that happened to them since 5pm on Friday in the minute detail normally reserved for a crime reconstruction.”

“Those who don’t work are unlikely to fare much better. The school holidays mean anybody staying at home will be no more than eight feet away from a chronically bored child and must cope with the weather equivalent of Russian roulette where three of the gun’s chambers are loaded with horizontal rain.

“Morale is likely to remain low unless the Olympics closing ceremony features Boris Johnson zip-wiring into the hollow torso of a wicker man surrounded by children with flaming torches.”

Wayne Hayes, a desk-residing organism from Carlisle, said: “I remember when Mo Farah was hugging his family on the track thinking to myself ‘It really doesn’t get better than this’ but I had hoped not to be proven so catastrophically right so quickly.”