'Naughty list' is clearly bullshit, say children

CHILDREN who have been little shits all year know full well they will get presents anyway, it has been confirmed.

Six-year-old Tom Hollis, who was deeply unpleasant for the whole of 2017 was delighted to find at least eight gifts in his stocking on Christmas morning.

He said: “My parents kept saying, if I wasn’t good Santa wouldn’t bring me any presents – just big lumps of coal. What a lot of bollocks.

“And it’s not just me. My mate Dave set his Christmas tree on fire and still got a remote control car and Milly Howard from my class said ‘fuck’ three times and Santa gave her an iPad.

“But my parents said that this year, Santa really and truly won’t bring me any presents if I am naughty.

“Yeah, whatever. There are no consequences, yt will all be brilliant. Just like that fat, blond haired man on the telly said.”

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Child's letter to Santa 'f**king useless'

A CHILD’S letter to Santa is full of insane shit and contains nothing within the right price range, his parents have revealed.

Six-year-old Henry Booker’s list includes a live cheetah, a Nintendo Switch and a jet ski, none of which his parents are prepared to buy.

Father, Tom Booker, said: “He has actually written ‘zip line – like in the park’. Is he an idiot?

“Santa himself, even if it wasn’t just me operating on a tight budget, would balk at this ill-considered mess. Why couldn’t he ask the magical man at the North Pole for something within the £30-£50 range that he’ll play with for more than 90 minutes? Help us out here.

“Even the stuff that’s actually viable is wildly optimistic. He’s shown no interest in videogames whatsoever, so the idea that I’d drop £300 on the latest console is frankly batshit.”

Booker added: “Surprisingly ‘poison gun’ isn’t on the Top 10 Toys of 2018. They’re not in commercial production, as yet.”