'Nazi Toddlers Ruined My Birthday'

A THREE year-old boy last night revealed how a gang of extreme right wing toddlers ruined his birthday party with violence and racial taunts.

A tearful Jack Logan, from Maidstone, said the party was going well until the arrival of the tiny, swastika-clad racists.

He said: "They came in and kicked my friend Sam and said he looked like a Yid.

"They said he was in charge of all the banks in the world and he was a parasite and then they knocked over his juice.

"And then they chased my friend Asif round and round the garden for ages and told him to go back to Pakiland and eat poo. Then we watched Pingu and had a nap."

Jack added: "When they woke up they built a great big fire in the garden and threw all my books on it.

"They said the Very Hungry Caterpillar was part of the international Zionist conspiracy."

Jack's mother, Alice, said: "The Nazi toddlers have ruined so many birthdays round here.

"The last family that stood up to them had their house covered in the most obscene, badly written graffiti.

"They wrote 'Jew-lovers' all over the front door, but they spelt it J-O-O. It was actually quite cute."

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Shakespeare Study To Teach Kids New Words For Cock

PRIMARY school children as young as five are to study the works of Shakespeare as part of a government initiative to teach them hundreds of 17th century slang words for penis. 

Ed Balls, the schools secretary, wants every child to learn at least 50 obscure terms for the male reproductive organ or the vagina by the age of seven.

He is concerned that British children are relying far too much on 'willy' and 'front bottom' when they could be using Shakespearean terms like 'carrot', 'bodkin' and 'buggle boe'.

Mr Balls said: "Right now in China billions of little children are sitting in schoolrooms reciting elaborate Confucian jokes about cock."

A recent academic study of Shakespeare’s work by the Institute for Studies found that 98% of the words used in his plays are euphemisms for either the penis or the vagina.

Its analysis of the Battle of Agincourt scene from Henry V found more than 100 references to the erect penis, and 73 allusions to cunnilingus and anal sex.

Dr Cathy Smith, head of English at the Institute, said: "The great genius of Shakespeare is his ability to confront every aspect of the human experience and slip in a knob joke.

"The poetry is superb, the themes timeless and universal, but basically it’s all just fanny, tits and arse."