ACUPUNCTURE is extremely effective at making tiny holes all over the body, the biggest ever study of the ancient Chinese remedy has revealed.
Researchers commissioned by the Acupuncture Society tested the needle-based complementary therapy on 2,000 patients, all of whom reported small holes in their skin after treatment.
The Institute for Studies then gave a control group of 2,000 different patients no acupuncture at all, after which they were examined and found to be entirely hole free.
Report author Henry Brubaker said: "If even one patient given the needle treatment had come back without a hole I might have had my doubts, but this shows that acupuncture works.
"As you can see, when the needle is pushed into the patient’s skin it breaks through the outer layer and so creates a tiny hole. But even after you remove it, the hole remains. Still think it's all in the mind?"
Julian Cook, president of the Acupuncture Society, welcomed the report as a major piece of scientific research and excellent value for money.
He said: "A report came out last week that said acupuncture is no help whatsoever if you are trying to get up the duff. Call that science? What about China?
"Those guys are pumping them out so fast they have laws against it. Ever tried counting them? All you need to do is show a Chinese woman a needle and she’s pregnant. You don’t even need sperm."