Neighbour burning random shit in his garden again

A MAN has started burning random crap in his garden again, his neighbours have confirmed.

Norman Steele, 51, has been spotted frequently making a bonfire out ‘something or other’ and then standing in front of it, gazing into the flames.

Neighbour Tom Logan said: “He seems like  a nice bloke. He just loves burning shit.

“I’m pretty sure he bought some garden furniture last year just so he could set fire to it.”

Another neighbour, Emma Bradford, added: “I reckon he just saves up all of his random shit over the year and then when it’s sunny he can’t wait to set fire to it all.

“I suppose it’s less hassle than doing a car boot sale.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “A bonfire can be a lot of fun. Just as long as you don’t spend all your time staring into it while plotting revenge.”

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Man who chose brother as best man told to try harder

A MAN who has chosen his brother as best man for his upcoming wedding has been told to go back and make a proper decision. 

Joseph Turner, who picked older brother Jason as his best man, has been advised by his actual friends that this kind of lazy bullshit will not be tolerated by any of them.

Close friend Stephen Malley said: “‘Oh, he’s my best friend!’ No he’s not. He’s your brother.

“That’s why we have different words for them. ‘He’s always been there for me!’ Of course he has, he’s your fucking brother. You lived under the same roof. He had no choice.

“I don’t care if it’s me. Pick Rob, pick Jon, pick that knobhead from university, but come on. Brother as best man is the factory default setting.

“I mean, what next? Is the stag night going to be ‘a nice meal’?”

Brother Jason Turner said: “This is so tragic. I thought Joe had mates.”