Never trust a Jeremy, UK reminded

THE UK has been reminded that it should never, ever trust anyone named Jeremy. 

Following Jeremy Corbyn’s proclamation that he is Labour party President-for-Life, official advice on how to deal with anyone called ‘Jeremy’ has been reissued. 

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “They can’t help it. It’s in their nature. 

“Jeremy Clarkson responded to the nation’s trust by pissing off to Amazon where you’ll have to pay £79 a year to watch him be rude about cars. 

“Or there’s Jeremy Renner, making a living masquerading as a superhero even though all he can do is shoot arrows. 

“At least Jeremy Kyle doesn’t pretend to be anything other than a lying, mendacious sack of shit, and the noble Jeremy Beadle dedicated his life to teaching us that Jeremys do nothing but trick and deceive. 

“Never lend a Jeremy money, never leave one alone with your wife, and certainly ensure that you never, ever elevate one to a position of power. It’s just common sense.” 

Health secretary Jeremy Hunt said: “I am ready to lead the country now I’ve saved the NHS.” 

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Woman disturbed by warm feelings for George Osborne

A WOMAN who found herself experiencing empathy for George Osborne is questioning her sanity, it has been confirmed.

Nikki Hollis was left stunned by the realisation that the vampiric features of the chancellor evoked feelings of pity.

Hollis said: “I was flicking desperately through channels, trying to find something that would offer a glimmer of hope and paused when George Osborne’s usually terrifying face filled the screen.

“I knew he was saying that the economy was essentially fucked and we’d all end up living in potholes and eating woodlice and twigs like they did in the Dark Ages, but I couldn’t help wanting to wipe the sweat from his pallid brow and tell him it’s alright. I even thought about making him a sandwich with some cheese and lettuce in it.

“Perhaps it’s because he’s a relic of a more stable world, but if he keels over during his next public announcement I may even shed a tear.

“This, on top of the moment my heart actually sank when David Cameron resigned, has led me to worry that I have gone completely fucking mental.”