New car essential for superiority reasons, confirms school-run mum

A WOMAN has confirmed she needs a giant SUV to demonstrate that she earns more than the rest of the parents in her son’s class.

Helen Archer says that having children has forced her and her husband to examine their priorities, which have turned out to be underlining their superiority over other families by getting a huge 4×4.

Muir said: “I can barely manoeuvre it down the two narrow streets between our house and the school, but how else can I make it clear that we’ve also got a cavernous ground floor extension and built-in wine fridge?

“I see all those poor parents walking along like peasants and I just think, is that really the only message you want to give? That you’ve got legs?

“A few parents have pointed out that I’ve nearly knocked over the occasional child. I’ve had to patiently explain that the SUV has a very high chassis to accommodate all the extra features that money buys you.

“They don’t always get that we’re separated not only by car height but also by class.”

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Cash vs gifts: a teenager's guide to screwing the maximum value out of relatives

IT’S the dilemma for any teenager at Christmas: you want cash, but know you can con aunties into spending more on a gift. Rip them off more effectively with our guide.

Match present to person

Older relatives may seem basically interchangeable to you, but they do have slight differences you can take advantage of. Assign the smartly-dressed uncle the Ralph Lauren shirt while making the lazy uncle who works in IT go online shopping to get more bang for your buck.

Meet the rich ones

Does the five-day Christmas suspension of lockdown rules mean you’ve got to visit all kinds of arsehole family? Play the advantages. Find the brother-in-law in a flash car who hasn’t given you a present and get him pissed until he gives you £50.

Don’t get technical

What’s the difference between an iPhone 12 and a Huawei P Smart 2020? To you, everything. To your 68-year-old aunt, they’re the same. Make sure any presents that could be ruined by a stray digit are safely bought by your parents, who you can stand over and make return things.

Lie to the elderly

When an elderly relative passes a certain point, they don’t understand any aspect of the modern world and will believe any lie you tell them about it. Claim that you need cybernetic implants like the immigrant kids from Sirius have or you’ll get bad GCSEs, and you’ll walk away with a full month of their pension.

Returnability

The chaotic days after Christmas are a free-for-all at the return counter, with no receipt expected and store credit given to anyone. Now all you have to do is find a dealer who’ll accept a £35 M&S gift card in exchange for an eighth of weed.