New fathers reluctant to spend time with constantly screeching bag of shit

NEW fathers are failing to use their legal entitlement to paternity leave because they do not want to spend all day with a noisy shit fountain, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies found that more than 50% of fathers were reluctant to take time off insisting they wanted to keep their work-life balance firmly on the work side because it was relatively quiet and had a more bearable stench.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “There are issues surrounding paternity pay and the ability to maintain one’s career momentum but mainly it’s the colossal amounts of shit and piss and a wife that wants you dead.”

Tom Logan, from Doncaster said: “My employer has been incredibly supportive and has assured me that I could take all the time off I needed. But I said, no, absolutely not, no way, there is absolutely no fucking way that is happening.”

He added: “I would love to be at home with my wife and child, but at this stage it is absolutely vital that I get as much time as I need to bond with my desk.”

Roy Hobbs, the father of a three week-old piss machine from Hatfield, said: “I do want to spend quality time with my child which is why I have arranged to have lunch with him as soon as he graduates from university.”

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'Sober October' smugness better than alcohol, says woman who barely drinks

A WOMAN who cut a tiny amount of alcohol out of her life has discovered that being a self-righteous goody-goody is a much better buzz.

During ‘Sober October’, Francesca Johnson has replaced her usual three or four glasses of wine a month with the pleasurable effects of lecturing other people about their drinking.

Johnson, 35, said: “The hit of pure smugness that enters my bloodstream when I put my hand over my glass as a friend tries to pour me some wine is far better than booze.

“I particularly enjoy telling people they should be able to enjoy themselves without alcohol, then watching their faces as they worry about having a drink problem and realise I am better than them.

“Sober October has been a challenge, definitely. It’s been hard to give up the miniscule amount of red wine I drink to not look like the total control freak that I am.


During her month of increased sobriety, Johnson has even given up the overpriced organic Shiraz from Waitrose she only buys to impress people.

Husband Ian said: “After spending a month totally sober with Francesca lecturing me about how much healthier I must feel I’m thinking of doing ‘Bender November’.”