Seven things some weird bastard is definitely stealing from your house

DO random everyday objects always seem to go missing from your house? Here are seven things some weird bastard burglar is definitely stealing.

Tupperware lids. Not the tubs, just the lids because this weird bastard loves to imagine your suffering when you realise you can’t cover up that leftover lasagne.

Scissors. Have you ever wondered why the scissors are never in the scissor drawer when you need them, yet turn up as soon as you buy a new pair? It’s because the strange burglar is toying with you.

The Sellotape. Probably taken with the scissors. Somewhere there is a cheeky thief wrapping loads of presents at your expense. A thief with the stealth skills of a ninja.

Hairbands. You buy a bumper pack of 100 hairbands. Three days later they are ALL gone. Bar the one on your wrist you will take to the grave. Clearly the burglar has a lot of hair.

Socks. But just one from each pair to really mess with your head. The burglar clearly likes playing sadistic mind games, or doesn’t mind wearing odd socks.

The radiator key. Even though every time you bleed the radiator you put the key ‘somewhere safe’ for next time, the bastard burglar always finds it. 

Painkillers. As an added sick twist the burglar always waits until you have a splitting headache to steal them. WHY AREN’T THE POLICE DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THIS?

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Tourist in Leicester Square asks for directions to Leicester Square not this dump

A TOURIST in search of Leicester Square assumed he was in some other grotty part of the capital when in fact he was in the middle of it.

Tom Logan was visiting London from Doncaster and had successfully reached the world-famous tourist attraction, but could not believe this hellhole was it.

Logan said: “Having turned left at Charing Cross Road as indicated on my map, I found myself in a dismal, flyblown zone full of fast food outlets, scaffolding, giant green wheelie bins and a park which looked like a vagrants’ dormitory.

“There were also smaller outlets selling world cuisines at their worst and most overpriced and some tatty chain pubs. I assumed I’d taken a wrong turning.

“I’m not saying I expected to see the Queen and Hugh Grant doing the Lambeth Walk as I sat in a tea shop, but I wasn’t expecting this oversized precinct selling souvenir tat, foul fajitas and plastic policeman’s helmets.”

A disappointed Logan then watched a film he could have seen anywhere in the UK, and now says his next day trip will be to “somewhere much nicer, like Leicester”.