Saturday, 11th July 2020

Seven things some weird b*stard is definitely stealing from your house

DO random everyday objects always seem to go missing from your house? Here are seven things some weird b*stard burglar is definitely stealing.

Tupperware lids. Not the tubs, just the lids because this weird b*stard loves to imagine your suffering when you realise you can’t cover up that leftover lasagne.

Scissors. Have you ever wondered why the scissors are never in the scissor drawer when you need them, yet turn up as soon as you buy a new pair? It’s because the strange burglar is toying with you.

The Sellotape. Probably taken with the scissors. Somewhere there is a cheeky thief wrapping loads of presents at your expense. A thief with the stealth skills of a ninja.

Hairbands. You buy a bumper pack of 100 hairbands. Three days later they are ALL gone. Bar the one on your wrist you will take to the grave. Clearly the burglar has a lot of hair.

Socks. But just one from each pair to really mess with your head. The burglar clearly likes playing sadistic mind games, or doesn’t mind wearing odd socks.

The radiator key. Even though every time you bleed the radiator you put the key ‘somewhere safe’ for next time, the b*stard burglar always finds it. 

Painkillers. As an added sick twist the burglar always waits until you have a splitting headache to steal them. WHY AREN’T THE POLICE DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THIS?