New festival aimed directly at twats

THE Magic Fox Vintage Smoothie Boutique Urban Forest Pop Up Chill Retreat is to be Britain’s first 100 percent twat-friendly festival.

As the festival-marketing season begins, the organisers of the new event claim to have concocted the ultimate pretentious weekend for utterly dreadful people.

Festival ‘curator’ Tom Logan said: “My friends and I wanted to create something for ourselves – a right bunch of wealthy jumped-up media twats with a ridiculous sense of entitlement and legions of horrible mop-headed children, all of whom are called Mungo.

“We would probably get punched at Latitude. Honestly, we’re that bad.

“Magic Fox Vintage Smoothie Boutique Urban Forest Pop Up Chill Retreat is a combination of all the most annoying, smug, po-faced aspects of festival culture into a smorgasbord of heavily-branded twatness.

“There will be deerstalker hats, depressingly nostalgic 90s dance acts – we’ll probably go with Faithless, who are now old enough to be considered ironic – and some fucking thing called The Mystic Dell.

“We’ve got people with moustaches playing gypsy jazz records on a gramophone while the Wombles perform a burlesque routine, stupid fucking food stalls where you can buy a ‘hand-raised’ pie with an infantile name, and luxury woodland play areas where horrible designer-clad infants can kick frogs while giggling.

“It will be a hybrid of Waitrose and The Wicker Man.

“Also there will be macaroon biscuits. And people wearing fox masks, just prancing around aimlessly.”

He added: “But the Magic Fox Vintage Smoothie Boutique Urban Forest Pop Up Chill Retreat isn’t just about twats. There’s also plenty for pricks, like a bicycle-power retro puppet eco-show that reworks Punch and Judy as an environmental fable.

“There will be stalls. We don’t know what they’ll be selling but everything will be a tenner.”

Music fan Emma Bradford said: “I’m going to spend that weekend in West London as it will have become temporarily pleasant.”


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Supreme Court to overturn Roe v cancer

US Supreme Court justices are set to overturn the landmark ruling in Roe versus cancer.

Conservative members of America’s highest court have argued that President Obama’s healthcare legislation denies cancer its constitutional rights.

By overturning Roe v cancer, which paved the way for widespread chemotherapy, the court will effectively strike down the Obama health bill which says that tumours are bad and that Americans should not have to just put up with them.

But Justice Samuel Alito said: “Every tumour, no matter how small deserves the right to grow to its full potential.

“It is not for private individuals to play God and decide which tumour lives and which one dies. The Bill of Rights is, at its heart, an affirmation of the American tumour.”

Justice Clarence Thomas added: “From the moment the first cell mutates that tumour is as much a part of humanity as you or me.

“It is unconstitutional to use the apparatus of government to destroy innocent, metastasising life.”

Helen Archer, a pro-tumour activist from Colorado Springs, said: “I had a tumour removed when I was a young woman and it is the biggest mistake I ever made.

“I had my whole life ahead of me. I wanted a career, I wanted to have fun and I thought a tumour would just get in the way.

“I often wonder what that tumour would look like today, all grown up.”

A White House spokesman said: “We’re saying that everyone should have access to cancer treatment. So sue us.

“Oh, you are. You actually are.”