MANY people think that I’m the sort of person who constantly had people urinating in his locker at school.
This could not be further from the truth. Although there is a grain of truth about the locker. And I wish I could tell you all that it was an isolated incident and that I’ve moved on. But it wasn’t and I haven’t.
My first record is The Record Breakers Theme Tune, as sung by Roy Castle. As a boy I would watch Geoff Capes dance self-consciously as Roy sang Dedication and I dried out my urine-stained exercise books on the radiator, causing a pungent steam to fill the room and nearby corridors. It was a happy time filled with a constant burning anger and violent dreams of revenge.
I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to stop playing The Record Breakers Theme Tune on the advice of Abercrombie. I should explain that Abercrombie has been my best friend since school. For some reason, no-one else can see or hear him except me, but he is the best friend a Chancellor could ever have.
Abercrombie has now advised me to pick something more soothing, so here’s my version of the theme tune to 1970s traditional rural practices show Out of Town:
Go the horses hooves.
Fiddly-diddly guitar music
Aaah. Well played, Abercrombie.
The one thing I hate about my job is sharing an office with Vince Cable. Not because we come from different ends of the political spectrum or have differing opinions on fiscal policy. Its because he reminds me of Mr Finch-Hatton, my housemaster. He has the same smell. Abercrombie has noticed it too. I drew a spunky winkle on his desk last week because I just don’t care anymore.
And on that rebellious note, heres Ça Plane Pour Moi by Plastic Bertrand.
For my desert island book I would choose Lord of the Flies because it’s about a group of friends having fun together on a desert island.
And my luxury would be swingball. Abercrombie and I love to play swingball.