Desert Island Discs, with George Osborne

MANY people think that I’m the sort of person who constantly had people urinating in his locker at school.

This could not be further from the truth. Although there is a grain of truth about the locker. And I wish I could tell you all that it was an isolated incident and that I’ve moved on. But it wasn’t and I haven’t.

My first record is The Record Breakers Theme Tune, as sung by Roy Castle. As a boy I would watch Geoff Capes dance self-consciously as Roy sang Dedication and I dried out my urine-stained exercise books on the radiator, causing a pungent steam to fill the room and nearby corridors. It was a happy time filled with a constant burning anger and violent dreams of revenge.

I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to stop playing The Record Breakers Theme Tune on the advice of Abercrombie. I should explain that Abercrombie has been my best friend since school. For some reason, no-one else can see or hear him except me, but he is the best friend a Chancellor could ever have.

Abercrombie has now advised me to pick something more soothing, so here’s my version of the theme tune to 1970s traditional rural practices show Out of Town:

Clippety-Clop
Clippety-Clop
Go the horses hooves.
Fiddly-diddly guitar music
Clippety-clop.

Aaah. Well played, Abercrombie.

The one thing I hate about my job is sharing an office with Vince Cable. Not because we come from different ends of the political spectrum or have differing opinions on fiscal policy. Its because he reminds me of Mr Finch-Hatton, my housemaster. He has the same smell. Abercrombie has noticed it too. I drew a spunky winkle on his desk last week because I just don’t care anymore.

And on that rebellious note, heres Ça Plane Pour Moi by Plastic Bertrand.

For my desert island book I would choose Lord of the Flies because it’s about a group of friends having fun together on a desert island.

And my luxury would be swingball. Abercrombie and I love to play swingball.

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Clinique unveils Face Holocaust for Men

THE war on blackheads will soon be won by Britain’s men, thanks to Clinique’s Nuclear Face Holocaust range.

Dr Julian Cook, head of Clinique’s Skynet Research facility, said “100 percent of men have pungent beige sebum oozing from every orifice.

“None of those we asked could tell us what Clinique Pore Refiner was for, while only half would recommend it to a friend. So now we’ve called it Hiroshima Death Blast Lotion.”

The beauty giant has also unveiled its Tropical Biohazard Annihilation Scrub.

Cook added: “Man has seen what Ebola can do to his insides but he’s never stopped dreaming of the day he could do the same thing to his face.

“Biohazard Annihilation combined with the Khmer Rouge Year Zero Sponge System will revolutionise the world of masculine exfoliation.

“And once man has defeated his own face his attention will inevitably turn to the sun.

“The SPF8 in the new Van Damme Damn Man Tan will allow the average man to get within 16 feet of its surface. From here, he can easily trounce it with a series of devastating roundhouse kicks.

“As King Leonidas said in the movie 300, ‘This war will not be won until the blackheads of Xerxes have been ripped clean off his spineless Persian face.’ And men should trust Leonidas, not just because he was a legendary military strategist but because being from the Aegean, he was prone to visible pores.”

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