Goading crocodiles every day ‘makes you thinner’
PEOPLE who goad crocodiles for 30 minutes a day tend to weigh less than those who do not, according to new research.
The Institute for Studies found that being near crocodiles regularly resulted in a healthier body mass index than an occasional ‘crocodile binge’.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “One of our subjects went from 16 stone to under 12 stone after just nine daily teasings.
“At that point his willpower started to fade so we used a hoist to lower his wheelchair into the enclosure.
“His weight loss then slowed down to roughly one finger a day. The crocodiles seem to find the chair a bit fiddly.”
Professor Brubaker said early results show the the same effect can be achieved with sharks, tigers and a pack of Alaskan timber wolves.
He added: “People who binge on crocodile goading often goad the crocodile when it’s resting or full.
“The key is to combine short regular bursts of goading with a massive carnivore who is incredibly hungry.”
Helen Archer, who used to goad crocodiles for six hours once a month, said: “Either I’d had a bad day at work or had been dumped by some bastard and my immediate response would be to put on my PJs, grab a stick and poke a crocodile in the face.
“Now I goad crocodiles every day, I’m full of energy and have one of those crazy looking metal blades instead of my right leg.”