YOUR mum believes James Cleverly is too bearded to be foreign secretary and should resign. These men also should be ashamed of their hirsuteness:
Your mum has not forgiven Jeremy Paxman for disrespecting Newsnight by presenting it while bearded in 2013, to the extent that she still gets twitchy if there is so much as a hint of five o’clock shadow on any bulletin. She has no understanting of current affairs but follows the exact length of Krishnan Guru-Murthy’s sideburns.
Beards are ‘a sign he’s hiding something’, according to your mum, whether weak chin, mistress and money in an offshore tax haven, or UK SKINS tattoo. She claims she can’t trust a bearded politician after years of Gerry Adams on TV with an actor’s voice. You know it’s because she worries soup will get in it.
Firmly convinced it’s against the law for policemen to have beards, and if it’s not then it should be. How else can we tell them apart from criminals? It’s wokeness gone mad.
Non-villainous characters on television
When she’s already struggling to remember the allegiance of any given character on any given show, beards are a handy signifier of villainy. When you point out that some of the kindest characters have magnificent beards, for example Hagrid or Geoff from Byker Grove, she ignores you.
Nobody who has anything to do with food should be allowed a beard. How can she enjoy her tapas when it’s been carried to her by a man moulting directly into it? It’s not hygienic. Never mind that she’ll happily share an ice cream with the dog. That’s different.
Her own son
You run your own IT consultancy firm but your mum is still convinced that the nasty stubble you insist on growing is going to get you the sack. You’ve explained several times that you aren’t going to fire yourself, but that doesn’t stop her getting you a monthly shaving subscription she had no idea was a monthly subscription for Christmas.