Woman respectfully wearing poppy on lingerie

A WOMAN has solemnly pinned a poppy to the strap of her sexy lace padded plunge bra, it has emerged.

Lauren Hewitt fastened the symbol of remembrance to her erotic underwear so that her boyfriend Tom Booker would not think she was being disrespectful to the memory of Britain’s fallen troops.

She said: “It’s important to pay tribute to our armed forces at this time of year. Even when you’re about to slob on some knob or suggest doing bareback anal.

“Imagine if I’d sauntered into the bedroom wearing nothing but a matching set of bra and panties without a poppy. It would have totally killed the mood and Tom would have stormed out in a huff. And he’d be right to do so.

“Our soldiers paid the ultimate price so that I could wear knickers that ride right up my arse crack. If I wasn’t sporting a poppy on Ann Summers’ finest then I’d essentially be saying their death was for nothing and Hitler won.

“Maybe we won’t even f**k. We could sit on the bed for two minutes in total silence then Tom can quietly hum The Last Post.”

Tom Booker said: “No, the glorious dead would definitely want us to shag each other’s brains out.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Gorgeous, pert 25-year-old with perfect skin vows to embrace ageing naturally

A BEAUTIFUL 25-year-old without a hint of wrinkle or sag has decided that she will age gracefully, with no cosmetic intervention.

Hannah Tomlinson, who has a youthful glow, perfect figure and no bags under her eyes, says she is perplexed by the trend among older women to get Botox, fillers and surgery to avoid the ravages of time.

She said: “Personally, I find women like Helen Mirren and Judi Dench absolutely beautiful, even though a lot of people think they’re decrepit has-beens who shouldn’t be out in public.

“So when I see someone who’s getting on in years – maybe a 35-year-old – wanting to get rid of her frown lines or crow’s feet I feel so sad. Why can’t they just embrace the beauty of getting all wrinkly and haggard?

“When I get old, I won’t touch a drop of retinol serum or have any injections. I’m going to let the years of wisdom show on my face. I’ll be married with kids by then so I won’t care about looking attractive anyway.”

Hannah’s mother Kelly Bradford said: “When I was young and fit I naively thought exactly the same. But I starting greying at 26, so if genetics have a say Hannah will soon change her tune.”