No-one has faintest idea what ‘social cohesion’ is

THE term ‘social cohesion’ has left everyone in Britain utterly baffled, it has been confirmed.

The phrase is used regularly by people opposed to immigration, but when asked to define it they will either feign a toothache or change the subject to commercial fruit picking.

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “Did Britain have social cohesion at some point in the past? If so I could look it up and then I would know what the hell you’re talking about.

“Was it when we had an obsessively rigid class structure and being gay was a crime? Or was it when women were routinely told to shut their stupid faces and make some more custard?”

Jane Thompson, from Guildford, added: “Did the catholics and protestants of Belfast and Glasgow used to get along splendidly? Did they ‘cohese’? Or is it ‘coheve’?

“Was there a point between Downton Abbey and the first boat to arrive from Jamaica when we all got along like the Waltons?”

Julian Cook, from Hatfield, said: “I once asked someone what they meant by social cohesion and they mumbled something about ‘everyone being able to understand Eastenders’.

“I understand Eastenders, but I don’t like it. And I actively despise people who do.

“It seems I may never fully ‘coheve’. Or is it ‘cohede’?”

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This is not the year you'll get thin, say doctors

DOCTORS have declared that any attempts to lose weight in 2014 are doomed.

GP Tom Logan said “You are fat.

“You like sitting down and putting heavily salted, greasy food into your mouth, and any attempts to change this will almost certainly backfire.

“Being slim and healthy just isn’t for people like you at the moment.

“We don’t know what science will come up with in the next few years, but currently there is no laser strong enough to fix your blubber and no robot powerful enough to slap the cake from your chubby hands.”

He added “There’s a reason the adverts tell you to see your doctor before embarking upon a new diet or regime.

“They can talk some sense into you and lower your expectations before you end up broke, or dead.”