No one obsessed with campus free speech actually a student

EVERYONE who keeps banging on furiously about campus free speech left university at least 25 years ago, it has emerged.

Despite a report claiming it was a serious problem, the only people who appeared to give a toss were attention-seeking MPs and newspaper columnists with an axe to grind.

MP Emma Bradford said: “This is incredibly important. Speak to any member of the public and they’re furious about obscure homophobes being ‘no platformed’ at Knutsford University.

“I hate publicity but I guess I’m just an incredibly brave lone defender of democracy.”

Daily Telegraph columnist Roy Hobbs said: “This is no different to someone trying to stop me demonstrating against Vietnam in 1968, except people had heard of the Vietnam War.

“I’m definitely not exaggerating a minor issue to bash some vague group of lefties, as I explain in my article ‘Britain’s Stalinist universities: How long before the executions start?’

“Vigorous debate is a traditional part of student life, just like listening to King Crimson and smoking a ‘doobie’. Do they still call them doobies? I expect so.”

Student Tom Booker said: “I think three people held a demo against some weird YouTuber but it all sounded like bollocks so I just got shitfaced for less than a tenner again.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Quite big cat sighted in Taunton

SIGHTINGS of a fairly big cat have been reported by local residents in Somerset.

Eyewitnesses in the market town of Taunton describing the cat as ‘around two feet long’ and ‘more stocky than most cats’.

Local resident Tom Booker took the above photograph, which appears to show a quite large cat in a garden.

Retired welder Booker said: “At first I thought it was just a normal cat. Then I realised it was around a third larger than most of the cats you see around.

“It had fur, paws, a tail and two cat-like ears. I called my wife to have a look but by the time she came downstairs it had gone, clearing a four-foot fence with a single bound.

“I took plaster casts of the footprints, in case experts want to analyse them. But I know what I saw.”

Zoologist Emma Bradford said: “The photo does appear to show a cat-like animal, although it could have been digitally altered so I think it’s too early to get really excited.”