No one sure how to tell couple all their baby names are ridiculous

FRIENDS of an expectant couple are unsure how to tell them that all their baby names are utterly absurd.

Tom Logan and Nikki Hollis’ shortlist of dreadful names for a boy or a girl have made their friends feel they should intervene before the child is condemned to a lifetime of ridicule.

Friend Martin Bishop said: “Tom and Nikki have got all these awful names like Otto, Scheherazade and Polonius. If no one says anything that kid’s fucked.

“It’s difficult to say anything though because that will imply they’re social-climbing idiots, although that’s a fair description of people who think Horatio is a good name for a child going to a comprehensive.

“I think my only option is to start putting anonymous messages through their letterbox like a blackmailer saying ‘DO NOT CALL YOUR CHILD MAEVE’.”

Fellow friend Emma Bradford said: “Nikki and Tom don’t understand that names have associations and you can’t just call a child ‘Fred’ without people thinking of the Freds Flintstone, Dibnah and West.

“I’ve tried dropping hints like saying ‘Half the kids in Britain seem to have Irish names these days!, but that just made them add Murphy, Clodagh and Padraig to their list.

“Also I heard Nikki saying the name Adolf was ‘really different’.”

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Primark 'must never be said aloud'

THE first rule of Primark is never talk about Primark, the bargain clothes retailer has confirmed.

Responding to ongoing uncertainty about how its name is pronounced, Primark said that you must, never, ever say its name.

A Primark source said: “It’s strict company policy that none of us ever say the word Primark out loud. We find it helps morale amongst staff if we all pretend the whole thing isn’t happening.

“Customers like to be able to skulk in, heads fixed on the floor and to furtively go about their shameful business as quickly as humanly possible.

“My friends and family think I work for MI5.”

Susan Traherne said: “I buy all my clothes at the shop which must remain nameless, but only under the cover of darkness.

“The other day someone asked me where I’d bought the top I was wearing. I put my hand over her mouth before she had finished the sentence.

“There is a place far below the shop, it is called the discount dungeon. You don’t want to end up there.”

She added: “The second rule of Primark is you never ask why it’s so cheap.”