Nobody actually wants to go out

EVERYONE who plans to go out is secretly hoping that their friends all drop out, it has been revealed.

The Institute for Studies found that the sole reason people end up meeting up in their spare time is because neither side has managed to get the event cancelled.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “People love arranging to meet up because it makes them feel ‘in demand’, but nobody wants to actually do it.

“Therefore all social engagements are tense stand-offs with both sides willing the other to pull out so they can maintain the moral higher ground.

“Anytime humans do actually end up sitting opposite each other in a Wetherspoons it’s the result of a friendship equivalent of the Cuban Missile Crisis, both sides too stubborn to blink even in the face of disaster.”

Emma Bradford said: “Unless I get a phone call in the next half an hour I’m going to have to go halfway across town to meet my best friend in the world.

“What a total bitch.”

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Corbyn lured away with fake Labour party

MPS have set up a decoy Labour party to keep Jeremy Corbyn harmlessly occupied while someone else takes over, they have revealed.

After being told by email that Labour was moving headquarters, Corbyn is now leading the fake party from a prefabricated hut on the outskirts of Rotherham.

A Labour spokesman said: “All the staff are paid actors who reassure him things are going well. Today they convinced him he’s ahead in the polls because the public has suddenly got really into Marxism.

“Every so often we send a ‘TV news crew’ to interview him about his latest policy to bring back British Leyland or whatever. They’re just actors too. I don’t think they even turn the camera on.

“Now we can get on with electing someone at least slightly popular, and Jeremy can potter about writing letters of support to Bootle Friends of Nicaragua.”

Corbyn said: “Everyone at our new HQ keeps me tied up all day with interminable committee meetings about things like making Knutsford a nuclear-free zone. I’m loving it.

“I said I should really go to this week’s Prime Minister’s Questions, but apparently I am too valuable to lose from the banner-making team.”