Nobody actually wants to go out

EVERYONE who plans to go out is secretly hoping that their friends all drop out, it has been revealed.

The Institute for Studies found that the sole reason people end up meeting up in their spare time is because neither side has managed to get the event cancelled.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “People love arranging to meet up because it makes them feel ‘in demand’, but nobody wants to actually do it.

“Therefore all social engagements are tense stand-offs with both sides willing the other to pull out so they can maintain the moral higher ground.

“Anytime humans do actually end up sitting opposite each other in a Wetherspoons it’s the result of a friendship equivalent of the Cuban Missile Crisis, both sides too stubborn to blink even in the face of disaster.”

Emma Bradford said: “Unless I get a phone call in the next half an hour I’m going to have to go halfway across town to meet my best friend in the world.

“What a total bitch.”