Noisy neighbours silenced by man seriously thinking about going over there 

A GROUP of noisy neighbours turned off their music after a man seriously considered going over there, it has been revealed. 

Tom Booker went on an epic rant about how inconsiderate it is to have a rowdy party in a residential area on a weeknight when some people have to be up at six. The rant was delivered to his wife, Sarah, in the safety of his own home. 

He said: “Honestly I have half a mind to go over there and give them a real talking to. But then again, it is quite cold out there.

“Also I think one of them is quite big and may have been in prison recently.” 

Fortunately for Booker, the neighbours miraculously felt his ire without him having to physically act, deciding to turn off their music and go out only two hours after he started moaning about it.

He said: “I must have really given them a good scare by thinking about knocking on their door and delivering a massive bollocking. I didn’t want to have to nearly do it, but now maybe they’ll think twice before messing with me again.”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

World 'on the brink' of Trump dick pic

EXPERTS have warned that the world is within a single provocation of being hit by a tweeted dick pic from President Trump. 

Following an escalating exchange of penis-based boasts with similarly cock-out leader Kim Jong Un, the UN has raised its Dick Readiness Condition to the highest level of DIKCON One. 

A White House source said: “It could happen tomorrow. Or tonight. 

“All the old advice – stay in your homes, stock up on bottled water – is useless. When he hits the ‘tweet’ button, we have only minutes before it hits everyone. 

“Perhaps there will be a few untouched communities in the remote Scottish Highlands, but what kind of world will they even be left with? Because you know North Korea will retaliate.

“We are closer to seeing a president’s wizened genitalia than we have been since 1962 and the Cuban Missile Crisis. Ask your granddad about that one.” 

When tweeted, the pic will transparently be the penis of someone else and will be provably traced to a specific porn star within minutes, which the president and his staff will simply deny.