Non-Londoner assumed night out in West End would be pleasurable

A MAN visiting London stupidly believed a night out in the West End would be enjoyable.

Macclesfield-based Tom Logan naively expected an evening in the world-famous entertainment district not to involve a gruelling series of disappointing activities.

Logan said: “When I suggested going to the West End the friends I was staying with all looked really tired and sad, which is not what I’d expected from Time Out.

“Going to the pub wasn’t much fun because they were all completely packed and we spent most of our time asking if stools were free and talking about going somewhere else.

“I wanted to see a musical but they were all attempts to cash in on old films so we ended up watching one based on Pretty in Pink. It wasn’t very good, even though someone out of Hear’Say was in it.

“Then we went to a Chinese restaurant which was definitely up to the standard of all the others I’ve been to, except for the staff clearly wanting us to eat and fuck off as quickly as possible.

“I did enjoy our three-minute ride in a rickshaw though, apart from when the driver turned out to be mental and we had a massive argument about the fare.”

Logan’s friend Nikki Hollis said: “Londoners only go to the West End if we’ve got someone visiting. We prefer to stay in and drink cheap gin and play Connect Four.”

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Trump finding increasingly stupid ways to tell people how clever he is

DONALD Trump is continuing to stress how intelligent he is, while finding increasingly inarticulate ways of doing of so.

Trump said: ‘I’m like a really smart person’, in what experts described as ‘meta-stupidity’.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Is the use of the word ‘like’ merely an inarticulate reflex, common among many English speakers?

“Or is he saying that he is ‘like a really smart person’, in that he shares the same attributes?

“He is essentially correct. Like many smart people, he has a nose, a pair of shoulders and a chin. Beyond that the similarities are less apparent.

“So we can conclude that he’s using the word ‘like’ in the same way that he might say, ‘I’m, like, really smart at constructing sentences’.”

Professor Brubaker added: “And, of course, it should go without saying that people who are ‘really smart’ tend not to go around pointing it out at every opportunity because it would make them sound incredibly stupid.”