Non-smokers told to shut up and stop being so utterly pathetic

NON-SMOKERS have been advised to like it or fuck off after complaining about smoking in pub beer gardens.

Anti-smoking campaigner Mary Fisher said: “These beer gardens are more like ‘smoking gardens’.

“Smoking gardens – I made that up. Anyway, it’s disgusting.”

Smoker Nikki Hollis said: “Gardens are outdoors. How can the outdoors be ‘full of smoke’?

“I wish it were, I’d save a fortune on fags.”

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Home workers spend all day laughing at you

HOME workers spend up to 85 per cent of their working day laughing spitefully at anyone stupid enough to be in an office.

A new report shows that home workers begin the day chuckling to themselves as they send a couple of 7am emails so it looks like they’ve started early.

By lunchtime, home workers have laughed at taking an important call while wearing a FUCK THE POLICE t-shirt, missing Jayne’s collection for her sponsored sit, and the outraged emails when the canteen runs out of bacon sandwiches shortly after 9am.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Being at home buying hats on the laptop while everyone else is at Mark from Marketing’s CRM presentation is a source of joy.

“Sipping a filter coffee while your colleagues chug machine-made shit causes a fit of giggles,  while a reminder that you’re missing a work-in-progress meeting can cause hysteria.

“Even the concept of a smoke break is hilarious to someone alternating spreadsheet updates and bong hits.

“However, home workers miss those magical moments when the office is united in laughter, for example when Emma from sales gets her car towed for parking in the disabled space.”

Home-based resourcing manager Carolyn Ryan said: “During conference calls I pull my pants down, put the phone to my genitals and pretend that they’re doing the talking.”