NORMAL people will be able to commandeer the lifestyle of a local hipster, it has been confirmed.
The hipsters will be flushed out of semi-gentrified urban areas using a combination of instant coffee spray and loudhailers playing mainstream music.
Normal people will then take the hipsters’ tables at pop-up food venues and funky cocktail bars, while the hipsters are rounded up and forced to work in a provincial HMV.
Nikki Hollis, from Deptford, said: “There’s a load of lovely coffee shops and fancy burger places which I have been unable to use because of ‘them’.
“Of course we’ll only be able to enjoy it once a month because it costs a fiver for a tiny portion of chips that come in a hollowed-out Gameboy.”
Tom Logan, a barista, DJ and cupcake technician, said: “This is just like the Highland clearances. Which, by the way, is also the name of my Stylophone quartet.”