Normal people to commandeer the nice bits of hipsters' lifestyles

NORMAL people will be able to commandeer the lifestyle of a local hipster, it has been confirmed.

The hipsters will be flushed out of semi-gentrified urban areas using a combination of instant coffee spray and loudhailers playing mainstream music.

Normal people will then take the hipsters’ tables at pop-up food venues and funky cocktail bars, while the hipsters are rounded up and forced to work in a provincial HMV.

Nikki Hollis, from Deptford, said: “There’s a load of lovely coffee shops and fancy burger places which I have been unable to use because of ‘them’.

“Of course we’ll only be able to enjoy it once a month because it costs a fiver for a tiny portion of chips that come in a hollowed-out Gameboy.”

Tom Logan, a barista, DJ and cupcake technician, said: “This is just like the Highland clearances. Which, by the way, is also the name of my Stylophone quartet.”

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Woman to binge-read six pages of War & Peace


A WOMAN has set aside an entire day to binge-read at least five pages of Tolstoy’s War & Peace.

Josephine Turner, who considers herself  an intellectual because of her many HBO box-sets, plans  to spend 10 straight hours burning through a ‘hefty chunk’ of the Russian epic.

She said: “I did the first two series of Breaking Bad in a day and that’s seriously heavy stuff, so how hard can this be?

“Apparently it’s pretty gripping, like The Wire, and has loads of characters, so I’m going to assign a different actor to each one and keep notes in the front.”

After eight minutes with the book, Turner found the name Tolstoy was distracting her by reminding her of the Toy Story trilogy, which she is now watching back-to-back.