North goes into mourning

PEOPLE in the North will observe three days of mourning following the death of the founder of Pukka Pies.

Chip shops in the region will close as a mark of respect to their fallen hero and a 100-foot granite chicken and mushroom pie has been commissioned for the company’s home town of Syston.

Carlisle taxis driver Wayne Hayes said: “This must be what it felt like in America when Kennedy was shot.

“All the blokes in work are wandering around in a daze – Fat Roy burst into tears when he heard the news, making him the first bloke to cry in Carlisle since 1872.

“I’ve rewritten that Don Maclean song so it says ‘Bye bye, bloke who made lots of pies, Had a bevy with our Trev and we then bought four or five. They’re good with sauce when drinking bitter or mild, singing this’ll be the day that you died’.

“I’m getting a tattoo done of it, next to my one of Eddie Stobart.”

Pie is a staple foodstuff in the North, as the pastry casing leaves the Northerner’s other hand free to hold a glass or form a fist.

Pukka Pies became so popular in the region that Tyneside linguists claim the term ‘pukka’ is not of Hindi origin, rather it is the Newcastle word for a person’s pursed lips while sucking the gravy out of a minced beef and onion pie.

Hayes said: “If Alfie Scraps, the inventor of the little bits of batter you get with your chips, dies then I don’t think I can carry on.”

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'Arseface' is least popular baby name

ARSEFACE is the UK’s least popular baby name.

A survey of infant names put Arseface at the bottom of the poll, just below Giblet and Warmonger.

Parent Tom Logan said: “We named our son Arseface because it’s original and individualistic.

“Also his head is shaped like an arse.”