Northerner abroad convinced he doesn't count as English

A NORTHERN man on holiday thinks that ill feeling about the English does not apply to him

While on a two-week holiday in Thailand, Wayne Hayes has been nodding along whenever a negative opinion about the English has been put forward.

The Warrington plumber has so far agreed that they have bad teeth, do not tip and are all arseholes and wankers.

Hayes said: “When people are talking about the English being up their own arse, they only mean people from south of Birmingham.

“Last night some Irish lads were talking about it and I had to agree – the English are wankers. I think most of the bad stuff in history was done by people from Croydon.”

Hayes added: “On the other hand, whenever people say how great the English are they really mean us salt of the earth, gravy-on-your-chips Northerners.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

BAFTAs completely f**k up by not giving everything to Paddington 2

THE Baftas have rendered themselves invalid by failing to give every possible award to the best film ever made, Paddington 2. 

Last night’s ceremony saw mass walkouts after the announcement of every category, with only a handful of celebrities left to boo and throw chairs when Best Film somehow went to the far inferior Three Billboards Outside Not Paddington 2. 

Producer Eleanor Shaw said: “That’s it for the Baftas. They can’t recover from this. They’re done. 

“People say ‘But Paddington 2 wasn’t even nominated in most of the categories.’ Well, rules are made to be broken and what a marvellous surprise it would have been. 

“Instead, the Baftas chose to write their own suicide note. I just hope it’s not too late for the Oscars to learn from their mistake.”