May gives speech about what she would do if she was prime minister

THERESA May has given a keynote speech outlining what she would do about something if she was the prime minister of Britain.

The current leader of the Conservative Party set out her ideas on changing the price of something which, she promised, would be put into practice if she were ever to hold office.

Julian Cook, professor of politics at Reading University, said: “Who cares?

“The chance of May ever achieving a parliamentary majority to act on these plans is less than zero, so the British public has no obligation to pay the slightest attention.

“At least Jeremy Corbyn’s pipe dreams are bold, exciting, unachievable nonsense. The best May can think of – when she could say literally anything because she’ll never be held to it – is ‘let’s look at changing the price of something a tiny bit’.

“She’ll never be prime minister whatever happens. There’s a reason the public pays more attention to Jacob Rees-Mogg.”

Cook added: “I’ve no idea who the prime minister is. I think they’ve got an agency temp in to do Brexit.”

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Man who has never given to charity thinks Oxfam scandal proves he was right to be such a tight arse

A MAN who has never donated money to charity has been proven right by the Oxfam sex scandal, he has confirmed.

Norman Steele, from Bedford, said: “I knew deep down, something like this was going on.

“And yes, it would be easy to say I just didn’t give anything because I’m incredibly tight with money, to the point were my own wedding was ‘BYOB’, but that’s not the whole reason.

“I just had a gut feeling that deep down, Help the Aged, Help For Heroes, the Cats’ Protection League, they were all being run by gangsters and/or paedophile rings.

“Just imagine what they would have been spending it on, if God forbid, I ever, even once gave them any money.”

Steele added that he he does not give money to the homeless because they all secretly own jet skis and the one time he bought one of them a sandwich, the man screamed that he ‘didn’t want a sandwich, he wanted a crack needle full of speed pills’.

Steele said: “That definitely happened.”