Northerner from Yorkshire's Northernness trumped by Northerner from Newcastle

A NORTHERNER from near Leeds has had his Northern credentials challenged by a colleague from Newcastle. 

Yorkshireman Wayne Hayes was telling fascinated colleagues at his office Christmas party that people are nicer up North, everyone says ‘hello’ and pints cost £2.50, when a co-worker from the Toon threatened his role as dominant Northerner.

Geordie Martin Bishop proceeded to out-Northern Hayes’ tales of pies and Test cricket at Headingley with stories of sinking Brown Ale, taking his shirt off at the footy and having once met Ant and Dec on a garage forecourt.

Hayes said: “I was minding my own business, calling everyone ‘duck’, really leaning into my accent, and showing off that I went to school with one of the Kaiser Chiefs, when Martin came swanning in. 

“Does being from Newcastle make him more Northern than me? Geographically yes, but it’s actually only 94 miles above my house. I know that because Martin forced me to look it up on Google Maps in front of everyone.”

Bishop said: “I wouldn’t have bothered saying anything, but he kept going ‘ee bah gum’ for no reason and acting like a walking, talking Hovis ad. 

“I don’t shout ‘Howay’ more than twice a day and talk about the 260 Premier League goals scored by Alan Shearer. And anyway Wayne acts like he’s salt-of-the-earth Yorkshire, when we all know he’s secretly from Harrogate.”

Both men were then trumped by their boss, Scot Bill McKay, who had a seemingly endless supply of ‘hard’ stories about Glasgow.

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'We're pregnant,' announces man claiming all the credit while doing none of the work

A MAN is proudly owning the news that he and his partner are pregnant, even though he will not have to carry the baby or give birth to it.

Father-to-be Tom Booker believes having unprotected sex with wife Donna is the most impressive part of their pregnancy, and expects to be heaped with a generous amount of praise for this onerous task.

He said: “All she had to do was lie back while I did the hard work. Taking five minutes to blow my beans up her was an exhausting chore, which is why I fell asleep immediately afterwards.

“Now all Donna’s got to do is let her womb work its magic over the next nine months, which is ages. There’s a risk she’ll forget my valuable contribution during that time, so I’ll experience over-the-top sympathy pains during her morning sickness so she remembers.

“And when people ask how the baby’s coming along, I’ll cut Donna off as if I’m the one growing a foetus in my body. Making sure she’s safe and well is the more strenuous part of the whole process, after all.”

Wife Donna said: “If he carries on like this I’ll be announcing ‘we’re divorced’. It might suit him better to be a ‘deadbeat dad’.”