Northerner thinks everyone not from North is posh

A NORTHERNER is convinced that everyone from Southern England is upper class.

39-year-old Liverpudlian Roy Hobbs refers to one of his workmates as ‘posh boy’ because he is from Bristol.

Hobbs said: “I like him but he has that fancy West Country accent, a bit like that public school band The Wurzels.

“I’ve never been to Bristol but I understand it’s like a massive version of Downton Abbey, where everyone rides around in horse-drawn carriages doffing their caps at ladies.

“Swindon is like that too. And Portsmouth, that’s a very lah-di-dah sort of place.”

Although his colleagues think he is joking, Hobbs is deadly serious when he claims that nobody from the South has even eaten a pie or had a fight.

Workmate Wayne Hayes said: “I like Roy but he needs to stop judging people based upon their geographical location within a relatively small island. I went to Chippenham once and it was way more scary than Carlisle, we got chased by a man with a shovel.”

He added: “Last week Roy brought a ferret to work just to be ‘more Northern’ but it bit him on the thigh and he had to have a tetanus jab.”

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Clocks changed to maintain misery levels

BRITAIN’S getting-up time has been altered to prevent the workforce from becoming too happy.

Ministers believe that forcing the populace to get up an hour earlier for no good reason stops everyone falling into complacency.

A government source said: “If the worker drones got too happy from rising at a humane time, they wouldn’t buy the shiny things to compensate for their despair and everything would fall apart.

“The trick is to let them have a tantalising taste of getting up in actual daylight, then alter time so that it’s effectively winter again.

“Confusion is an important mind control tool. It’s like going into someone’s house and moving all their cereal into a different kitchen cupboard.

“Sometimes we do that too, because we have all the power.”

29-year-old Tom Booker said: “I have to get up at seven for work, so this morning I have to get out of bed at six, which is now called seven. It’s not fucking seven though, is it?

“You’re got to just accept it though, like all the other horrible things they do to you.”