'Not all millennials are unbearable arseholes' claims unbearable millennial arsehole

NOT all millennials are dreadful arseholes, one of them has insisted.

Josh Peters, a 20-year-old who works as a social media marketing intern, made the extraordinary claim despite appearing to be little more than a walking, talking sperm with a hairstyle.

“We are not all narcissistic, lazy and overconfident”, the narcissistic, lazy and overconfident little bastard whined, absolutely stinking the place out with his sense of entitlement.

“Sure some young people are superficial and self-absorbed, but you can’t tarnish us all with the same brush”, the soulless prick droned on, using a figure of speech he probably got from an ironic list on Buzzfeed.

But the claim was refuted by Stephen Malley, 37, who works at the same company as Peters but in a job someone born before 1995e has a chance of understanding.

He said: “Josh is as bad as the rest of those over privileged foetuses. Sure he’s always on time, gets his work done and is a pleasure to deal with, but he’s a millennial and is therefore scum.

“If millennials wanted to go to university for free and be able to buy a flat they should have got in there first like the Baby Boomers and Generation X.

“But no, they’ve just turned up late and moaned about it. Yet another example of millennial laziness and entitlement.”

Rees-Mogg to turn back into puppet if he tells one more lie

JACOB Rees-Mogg has been warned that if he tells another lie he will turn back into a little wooden puppet.

The spindle-limbed Tory has one more chance before his wish to be a real boy is cancelled and he reverts to being a rosy-cheeked marionette.

Rees-Mogg’s condition has prevented him from playing a major part in Brexit negotiations, but now his only friend is concerned that another slip will see him returned to the attic of his Somerset farmhouse.

The friend, who asked not to be named, said: “If he turns back into a puppet I’ll be all alone. Who else would want to be friends with Michael Gove?”

Rees-Mogg’s constituents, however, are ambivalent about the MP’s condition.

Roy Hobbs said: “He’s not much use to us as he is. At least if he was a puppet you could set him on fire without getting into trouble.”