Number of housewives needing sex with any male internet user reaching crisis point

THE volume of attractive wives needing immediate no-strings sexual encounters is becoming a humanitarian crisis, it has been claimed.

‘Extra marital’ dating website owner Tom Booker said: “People think we’re just making this stuff up to get lonely men’s credit details, but if anything our adverts are playing down the severity of the horny wife situation.

“Quite apart from the 7,000 naked photos I am sent on a daily basis, vast hordes of them have started turning up at our office and banging on the doors. In fact we are currently trapped in the building.

“They are all very attractive and could be actresses in daytime soaps. Often they arrive naked, reduced to an animal level by their wild appetites. We throw them raw meat out of the window.

“I guess that’s just what happens when work-obsessed husbands neglect their partner’s needs.”

Very good-looking housewife Emma Bradford said: “I want sex right now with any man in my post code region, however old, fat or unhygienic.

“Apart from that my main interests are knitting, baking and world cinema.”

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Northern grandmother gets sprouts on

A GRANDMOTHER in Lancashire has begun boiling the vegetables for her Christmas dinner.

84-year-old Blackburn resident Susan Traherne prepared the sprouts and cabbage last night so she could get them boiling first thing this morning.

Confirming that the saucepan was now simmering, she said: “There is a simple rule with veg which I learned in domestic science class during the war – two days boiling per ounce, plus an extra week to be on the safe side.

“If you cannot eat them without putting your teeth in, then they are raw as far as I am concerned.

Mrs Traherne explained that after the vegetables had been cooking for 12 days she would drain off some of the water to add to her gravy.

She said: “I will then thicken the gravy with cornflour until it is solid enough to be sliced with a bread knife.”