Nuns to teach Tristram Hunt that he’s dirty and wrong

CATHOLIC nuns have pledged to teach Tristram Hunt that he is a dirty boy who makes Jesus angry.

The day after the shadow education secretary questioned nuns’ teaching ability, Hunt was accosted outside his office, grabbed by the ear and thrown violently into the back of a black transit van which then drove away at high speed.

The Immaculate Sisters of Mary, a militant Catholic teaching brigade, claimed responsibility and promised to give Mr Hunt ‘a lesson in Christian love he is unlikely to forget’.

In a statement the Sisters said: “It seems young Mr Hunt has quite the tongue on him doesn’t he? No doubt that same tongue utters all kinds of filthy, mucky words. Like ‘fanny’.

“Dirty, nasty boy. Probably been up all night doing bad things to himself. Well, young Mr Hunt is about to get a lesson in what is good and what is bad.

“You can have him back when he’s learned how to get into heaven.”


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GCHQ less intrusive than Myleene Klass

A COURT has ruled that GCHQ illegally spied on private emails but, unlike Myleene Klass, did not share them with 460,000 followers on Twitter.

The spy agency has yet to find out how it will be punished, though it is unlikely to become a playground pariah never invited to a birthday party again.

Judge Hatton said: “By monitoring and flagging for interest tens of thousands of emails without warrant, GCHQ knowingly broke the law.

“However, I accept its plea for mitigation that it did less damage to society than former Hear’Say singer Myleene Klass, who revealed private communications with blatant disregard for her childrens’ desire not to be given swirlies and Chinese burns.

“I therefore rule that GCHQ should expect to pay a fine likely to be substantial, and that Myleene Klass should be transported to Guantanamo Bay.”

Klass responded that paying £10 for a present rather than re-gifting was a matter of conscience that she had a duty to inform the British people about, and has applied to Russia for asylum.