Ocado van spotted outside neighbour's house

THE arrival of an Ocado delivery van outside a suburban home has aroused strong interest among neighbours.

Residents of a Birmingham cul-de-sac reported seeing the Waitrose-associated vehicle pull up at 5.44pm last night.

The driver then alighted and knocked on the door of house number 44 to deliver four large plastic containers containing upmarket groceries.

Local resident Nikki Hollis said: “Tesco clearly isn’t good enough for some people.

“Apparently they had avocados, granola and two packets of asparagus. Very nice if you can afford it. Very nice indeed.”

Neighbour Roy Hobbs said: “Ocado eh? Well lah-di-dah.

“Of course I wouldn’t want it myself. I prefer a good honest working class supermarket like Morrison’s.

“Sometimes though I do wonder what a Ocado grape might taste like.”

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Britons embrace fake cycling holidays

THOUSANDS of Britons are hiring specialist image manipulators to simulate exotic cycling trips.

Fake bike holiday companies use advanced Photoshop techniques to create images of their clients riding in exotic and challenging locations.

Popular backdrops include Machu Picchu, the rim of Japan’s Sakurajima volcano and the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone.

Bond trader Stephen Malley said: “One fortnight a year when I get to relax, and I have to spend it peddling up a fucking mountain?

“LieRide Tours staged a daring one-man trek up the Amazon for me.

“They used body doubles for the photos, hacked Strava to simulate the correct mileage, and scripted a whole anecdote about fixing my brake cable with a particularly resilient vine.

“Meanwhile I was by the pool in Cancun, drunk and reading a Jo Nesbo.”

Susan Traherne of LieRide said: “Our culture of overachievement means that even on holiday we have to compete.

“Our pseudo-holidays let you lie back while we CGI a Vine of you ripping air tricks off the Giza Necropolis, and soon we plan to offer Mars’s Olympus Mons or through the Mines of Moria.

“Your friends with be too consumed by jealousy to consider whether a race of dwarves really dug a vast network of tunnels.”