Occupy record 'may have a rap in it'

THE impending first release on the Occupy movement’s record label may feature a short burst of rapping, experts have warned.

Protest songs with rapping in them were thought to have become extinct in the late 90s after a wave of tetanus killed most of the performers at an ‘anarchist fayre’ in Somerset.

However the Occupy movement’s anti-capitalist sentiment, large European fan base and interesting hats have triggered concern that the newly-founded ‘Occupation Records’ may be a vehicle for songs combining guitars and spoken rhymes.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The 90s crusty scene produced 418 out-of-context raps, 418 of which were shit and 417 of which rhymed ‘your wealth’ with ‘bad for my health’.

“History has taught us that the only thing that can be ‘fused’ with rap, and not result in something woeful, is some other rap.

“The prospect of Occupy ‘fusing’ more traditional protest genres of folk and punk with hip hop, as a means of embodying some sort of ‘global melting pot of ideas’, is a clear and present danger.

“Should a fresh incidence of songs-with-raps-in occur, it could transport culture back to the dark age of shirtless men shouting about how television drains your brain, on Channel 4 on Friday night.

“Live bands will be forced to re-recruit their token DJ, assuming he hasn’t since died of a heroin overdose, so that they can repeatedly touch a record while staring.”

An Occupy spokesperson said: “Professor Brubaker’s comment on our forthcoming musical output are arrogant, presumptuous and entirely speculative.

“In short, he’s a just another drone, living in a war zone, while the governments makes its clones and the people gnaw on bones.

“Uh, yeah, uh.”


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Gordon Ramsay's face 'cuts bowel cancer risk'

PEOPLE who visualise Gordon Ramsay’s face while they are on the toilet can reduce their risk of bowel cancer, according to new research.

A study of 1000 meat eaters found that bowel cancer rates were 25 percent lower among those who regularly pictured the TV chef each time they defecated over an 18-month period.

Gastroenterologist, Dr Emma Bradford, said: “We think it might be something to do with his chin.”

Bill MacKay, said. “I was suffering from persistent bowel complaints because of the all the bacon I put on my donuts.  Then, I tried the Gordon Ramsay technique and within 48 hours I was a new man – cranking out the old top ten hits with a big smile on my face.”

IBS sufferer, Stephen Malley, added: “At first, it seemed like the treatment had been a complete success. So my girlfriend took me out to to celebrate at our local Tandoori with a goat head vindaloo which we washed down with two pints of Goldschlager and some roofies.

“The next day, I found I couldn’t control the Gordon in my head. He kept doing that dance he likes to do – the Turkish one where his balls are outside his flies. I woke up in hospital with both my legs in traction.”

Dr Bradford added: “Already we’re exploring fascinating new applications. Last week, we noted a 70 percent drop in prescribed stool softeners after we fitted some toilet cubicles with a life size cut-out of Ed Balls giving a speech to the TUC.

“And in urology, patients can pass their kidney stones in under three minutes if the catheter nurse wears a Kate Winslet mask with special holes for the eyes and tongue.”