Office beauty claimed with territorial bouquet

AN ATTRACTIVE woman has been marked as an alpha male’s property with a territorial Valentine’s bouquet.

Marketing executive Eleanor Shaw received the flowers this morning, in a clear signal to other males of mating age to back away.

Audit manager Julian Cook said: “The minute the bouquet arrived, noses were twitching and hackles were raised throughout the building.

“This was no small display. It was a full-blooded challenge costing at least 85 quid with two dozen roses and a fancy box.

“Valentine’s day isn’t until Sunday, so there was no reason for it to be delivered but for the female to be indelibly marked.”

He added: “Martin from purchasing strutted over there all cocky but when he saw the bouquet he slunk back whimpering, with his tail between his legs.

“The word is out. Eleanor is off-limits.”

Shaw said: “Aw, my boyfriend may act all big and tough but he’s a big, soppy romantic at heart. To think he did all this just for me.”

Public reminded that actors are full of shit

LISTENING to what actors think is stupid because they are stupid, it has been confirmed.

After Oscar winner Meryl Streep said a gormless thing about diversity, experts stressed that actors are just children in adult clothes and should be left alone to point at clouds.

Dr Wayne Hayes said: “If you want a proper discussion on social power structures you may as well talk to your cat.”

In the early days of Hollywood actors were expected to do nothing more than drink themselves to death and sleep with as many people as possible, but acting schools now teach their students how to bluff their way through questions about things they do not understand.

Hayes added: “You wouldn’t expect Noam Chomsky to be any good at pretending to be the Hulk, so don’t concern yourself with Mark Ruffalo’s ‘thoughts’ about fracking.”

Hayes has called for press conferences with actors to come with a warning, similar to the one about flash photography.