Office 'best wishes' card signed by five million people

POLICE are trying to trace the recipient of a card signed by an estimated 5,000,000 workers across the UK.

The card has been passed from desk to desk for the last six months and disinterestedly scrawled with a non-specific message by 0.8 per cent of the British population.

The name of the recipient, along with any clues about the life event it relates to, has been completely obliterated under thousands of layers of blue and black ink.

Investigating officer DI Carolyn Ryan said: “Spectrographic analysis shows 1.5 million people wrote ‘Best wishes’, 2.2 million wrote ‘Good luck’ and 0.4 million wrote ‘Don’t get too drunk’.

“204,000 cheeky subversives, probably agency workers or people about to leave for university, drew ejaculating penises on it.

“The card features highly generic design and text, probably it was purchased by a low-ranking administrative worker who did not even know the recipient.

“It could be for a birthday, new job, new baby, marriage, promotion or even elective surgery.”

Police admit they are struggling with leads as none of the witnesses pays even the slightest attention to the many cards that cross their desks every single day.

DI Ryan continued: “We can’t analyse the card any further because one of the forensics team left it on their desk, it got passed around and signed and then went to the lads in traffic, and God knows where it went from there.

“But we remain anxious to trace the intended recipient of the card, whoever they are, to give them the card and an associated brown A4 envelope containing £640,000 in loose change.”

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Apple users queuing at home for iOS7 release

FANS awaiting Apple’s new operating system have lined up in their front rooms to be the first to download it. 

iOS7, which promises to bring thrilling cosmetic differences to iPhones and iPads, comes out later today and Apple fanatics are predictably losing their shit.

Tom Logan said: “The wireless isn’t as strong in the bedroom, so I could have been as much as six seconds late to the download party.

“But because of my unswerving devotion I took the week off work and am now seated two feet nearer the modem than my housemate.”