Office Christmas fanatic does last work of 2015

A CHRISTMAS fixated office worker has processed her last invoice of the year to devote the remaining two months to ‘festive preparations’.

Accounts administrator Donna Sheridan, who has already begun collecting names for Secret Santa and emailed everyone for their final meal choice, says that her role as ‘head elf’ is entirely voluntary.

She continued: “Christmas doesn’t organise itself, and while all these little monkeys keep their heads down and act like nothing’s going on somebody has to do the work.

“They’re just lucky I love Christmas so much that I’m prepared to put in all the effort. Oh, they may be pretending they’re too busy now, but they’ll be humming a different tune when I put on my beloved Christmas mix CDs.”

Sheridan will be paid £3,256 after tax for the next two months, during which she will reduce the productivity of her colleagues by at least 22 per cent.

Coworker Tom Logan said: “Last year she was sticking tinsel around the edge of my monitor while I was on the phone to a client. It was November 24th.

“I hope someone makes her cry at the party, like last year.”

Single people avoid all that kale bullshit, say experts

SINGLE people prefer to avoid kale and other bullshit vegetables, according to a new study.

Studies showed that they also leave the fat on their bacon and were unaware that grab bags of crisps could be partially eaten and closed with a clothes peg.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “When I was single for 18 months the only green food I ever ate was jelly babies. It was brilliant.

“Sure, I enjoy the support and companionship of a long-term relationship, but now if I leave some bread and peanut butter next to the bed for when I get peckish, I get my head bitten off.”

Many single people said they would be more willing to eat healthier under the right set of circumstances, such as every takeaway in Britain simultaneously burning to the ground.

Professor Brubaker said: “Do they still make Findus Crispy Pancakes? Shit, I miss those.”